We all have different personalities, and different ways of communicating. Some are
more expressive, while others communicate within themselves. We all have different
levels of experience, which also dictate to us, how we are going to personally express
ourselves to others..
I have had so much un-peacefulness in myself lately, and with everything else going on,
work related and father related, not to mention 'us' related, I wasn't quite sure how to
take the silence.
In my heart, I knew my uneasiness was self-inflicted. I know you only do what you feel
is 'for the good of others' in your heart, self-sacrificing your wants and needs always!
Always!
Although your anger about other things seemed to overflow into my existence, I knew it
couldn't be about me.but my own personal experience overtook that fact and
knowledge, and I had to keep asking you and myself, if you were mad at me. I failed to
see that you were only dealing with 'your stuff', and at the same time, because of your
love for me, were trying to deal with 'my stuff'.
Instead of apologizing for my behavior and uneasiness, I would like to personally and
publicly thank you for your behavior, because I know its only and expression of your
love for me.
Since your witness of God's answer to your prayer for me, I knew I could only trust to
turn to Him for the answers. I finally heard Him speak to me today, telling me to give
you three things: Love, Support and Understanding. I knew it was God talking because
I would have chose the third one to be Compassion, but I am in no position to argue with
God!
I felt a huge sense of calmness when I received this answer, and I thought I knew how I
was to 'behave'. But my 'story' inside my head, wouldn't let it go, and I had to ask, 'are
you mad at me?'. I felt the determination in your voice, trying so hard to convince me,
without mistake, that you were not mad at me. God for bid, you plainly said, "no I'm not
mad at you", to where my next question would have been, "but you SOUND mad".. I
could not only sense, but feel, your desperation not to 'sound mad', for fear that I would
'take it the wrong way'. My realization of this, left me so mad, so utterly mad.AT
MYSELF, for doing that to you!!! For this I AM sorry!
In short, I knew I couldn't ask you to 'explain yourself' to me anymore, for fear that I
would cause that uneasiness in you, due to my own insecurities.
So God sent me the only other person who could speak for you that I know. Brilliantly
God sent me my mother! I kicked and screamed the whole time having to meet her for a
very late dinner.. But I am so glad I went. She set me straight. She was able to express
how you might be feeling and why you might be silent. To tell you the truth, her
reasoning made more sense than anything my mind could conjure up! I've always told
you, that my mom and you think very much alike. It was so freeing to hear you speak,
even though it wasn't you talking. Perhaps God sent her as an answer to BOTH of our
prayers.
So I have to tell you now, that I do understand. I do. Your silence is exactly what I knew
in my heart to be true; that you love me, (she said there is no doubt in her mind you love
me), that you are silent because you don't want to hurt me and you don't want to deceive
me, and I would take any expression of any word or action either way. She said, so its
best not to say or do anything. To be silent.is to be safe!
She said, that's what she would think and do in the same situation.nothing, for fear of
doing the wrong thing and hurting someone more. When she said those words, I knew it
was you talking!
She's right and your right too. the way I've been acting, nothing you could say or do
would make me feel better, I would take it the wrong way either way, (as you have told
me this already.) I have to make myself feel better. She told me to let it go, and live my
life. Not saying let 'you' go, but let 'it' go and just 'be' for now. You are living your life
as best you can now, and I should do the same. She said that you are doing that and
because you can't change the situation now, it's killing you just the same.
So for your sake and mine, I pledge to move forward, loving you, supporting you, and
understanding you. Please never think for one second that I don't love you or want you
with me always, that is never the case.
I love you and I enjoy every minute I discover who you are inside, even when you
haven't said a word!
