I went and met my brother out last night.
I didn't expect to see an old boyfriend from elementary school (if you can call it that). My daughter is in the same grade I went out with him in..Yikes!

Apparently he remembers it better than I do.

So anyways, now this is the funny part...

We started talking and he says to me, 'you are still very beautiful', and I say my politically correct comment 'Thank you'! Then there was a 'long pause', but as a Seinfeld reference would make it, a 'long awkward pause', and he then says:

"Well aren't you going to say the same to me?"

I was like..

In my world, the qualifications for a question/response like that are:
1. you have to be a girl/chick
2. you have to be married or in a relationship for at least 10 years before a response like this is acceptable

I can't come up with anymore resonable qualifications...

So, I guess because I'm nice - or because I've known him a long time, I play into his insecurity and say: "Yeah, you look good too!"

Now here comes the finale:

Then he says, "Oh you don't mean it!"

At this time, I guess I don't mean it, because even if he did look good, now he is looking so pathetic I can't even believe I'm in this conversation and I'm looking for an appropriate 'exit stage left' PLEASE!!! Someone get me out of this conversation...

This is why I'm single and don't date...

Love and Light to all and to all a goodnight!

PS:
I apologize to the world and everyone in it if I've ever responded in such a way. All I know is I may have thought it, but I certainly didn't say it, and for now on, I'll never think it again!!

How wonderful it is to hold him

Pretending that we're lovers

Tangled in a prolonged embrace,

Enjoying the delicate sensations of

His soft then passionate kisses

The course of our lives,

Lived within one waking instance it seemed

A fantasy doomed at conception.

And I?  a hopless old romantic,

Misaligned by common sense

and complications,

Die a thousand deaths

Every time he walks away.

Sometimes we are up to bat, bases are loaded and the whole team is depending on you to get a hit. The only way you can get a hit, is if you swing the bat...you can't be afraid to swing. If you swing and you strike out, who cares, you tried~ But if you just stand there and don't swing, you won't know what you could have done!

You might even hit it out of the park if you try hard enough~

Bases are loaded, there are 2 outs, are you going to swing or just watch the ball go by?

I don't know about you, but I'm swinging!

[crazy day part II]

Here's what I said, yelling it:
"Dad you drink every f--in day, don't tell me you weren't drunk and passed out when she left. I am so sick of hearing you tell me how hard it is...I know how it is, it isn't that hard!

He said, yelling back:
"No you don't know what it's like, you don't! It's hard you don't have an f--in clue!

Me, screaming:
YES I DO! I know how to take care of a kid and keep a kid safe! You act like she's an invalid and you have to feed her and stuff. I took care of your mother, fed her, changed her, you barely visited her. You don't know what's it like to be a caregiver, all you know is how to receive.

He said:
No you don't know what it's like..it's been a bad year for me

Me, yelling:
Yeah, it's been a bad year for you. Why is that. You are doing this to yourself. Can't you see that?

He said:
I'm at the end of my rope, I'm done:

I said:
Fine, then let me pick [my step mom] up and then you can kill yourself.

He said:
I can't take it anymore..[not acknowledging me telling him to go ahead]

I said:
I'm sick of hearing you talk like that. Where is my dad who appeared strong, I never seen you so weak in my life. You act likfe an f--in mouse, not a man!

You can run away and leave her with the state to deal with, but I promise you, if you keep doing what you're doing, the shit is going to follow you wherever you go. She'll be fine, but you'll still have shit.

Yelling still me:
I haven't heard you say you are at 'rock bottom'..that means, there is more coming unless you break your own cycle. You are depressed you drink get more depressed fall asleep and can't remember shit and that is dangerous for her.

You have to stop drinking you are nothing but an F--in drunk! Can't you see it, it's all YOUR fault!!!!

He said:
I know you're right but it's hard for me its not that easy.

I said:
Then go to the doctors and get on methenome or something..

He said:
I'm not doing that shit.

I guess I have to do this on my own.

I said:
Let me come now and pick her up..don't be yelling at her.

He said:
No

...can't remember how I left it, but it definitely felt good!
I had to call my brothers and tell them I finally spoke my peace!!

My brother told me if anything happens, I should not feel responsible..I spoke my peace~ I don't at all feel that way. I have no respect for a 'cop' out suicide...and besides, he's too much of coward to do it anyway!

Yesterday started off crazy. First I was swormed when I got to work...everyone needing something from me. Normally I wouldn't mind it, but couldn't anyone ask me what I needed?

I only wanted one thing, to see my BFF, but I couldn't because they wouldn't leave me alone for one second. When I finally got them out of my office, I missed seeing my BFF by 10 minutes.

Then my day continued to get aggravating. I had to go to a counseling appt..I wasn't going to go anymore, but in my crazy week, I forgot to cancel this apt I made over a month ago...so I had to pay anyway and it gave me an excuse to leave work.

My appt was consumed with my Dad's current dissappointments. He is the most selfish person I had ever met. He is taking care of my step mom who had an anurism. The only thing wrong with her is short term memory, she gets confused a little from doing one thing to the next and she has lost control of her bladder due to the burst damage. He doesn't work and has all the time in the world, but he choses to drink and complain about having to take care of her...take care of what? I keep thinking...it's just like having a kid. That's not so hard, but for him, who hasn't taken care of anyone but himself his whole life, it appears to be the end of the world to him and he keeps telling everyone that. All he does is drink, from 5:30am till 4:30 or 5:00 when he goes to bed!

The counselor ironically kept telling me to write my dad a note how I feel or tell him...blah blah blah... writing doesn't help take it away...or make me feel peaceful.. it helps me understand it.. but not take it away. Easier said than done to stick up to my dad and tell him how I feel. I'll tell perfect strangers and everyone else who'll listen..but not HIM!! My counselor is crazy like that!

Anyway, that went ok... Then I wanted to go see my BFF's band who was marching in a parade. I thought I knew where it was but I went to the wrong place after driving 1/2 hour to get there. I finally figured out where it was by asking people where it might be, and I ended up at the beginning of the parade. Have you ever watched a parade from the beginning? They are all getting ready to perform, but you really don't see anything. I thought I missed them, but I wasn't leaving till I saw the end...and there they came! It was good to see them, and I couldn't believe he spotted me accross the street, but he saw me and gave me a big smile, so that made me happy.

When I got in my car, I started to cry. Who knows.. maybe it was the counseling crap or maybe it was because I was sad that I couldn't enjoy the 'end' of the parade with him... but non-the-less the tears came and I couldn't stop!

Then...I get home...and I had a message from my dad. He had called me earlier but I didn't want to deal with his message until I got home. When I listened to it..he sounded like a sad fool wanting sympathy...he said "Hello baby, it's daddy...call me please, love you baby, bye.." it was actually pathetic, because I'm almost 39...hello! Who says daddy at 39?

I thought someone had died by the way he sounded, so I called him back...OMG should've waited another day!

He told me that my step mom was in a car accident...he fell asleep at 4:30pm the day before, and she took the keys out of his pocket, turned off the alarms he has in the house, and got in his car and drove about 45 minutes away...lost...

Then she hit another car, the woman and her were ok, but the cars were totaled...He had to call his brother to take him there, get the car blah blah blah...

I was listening with disbeliefe...are you f--in kidding me? It was my biggest fear that he would pass out and she would hurt herself or someone else~ I listened for a second, before asking him, if he was in a drunken sleep...he denied it like he was just taking a nap.. but my dad is a king of routine, get up drink, make phone calls, go to sleep passed out! He lied to me again and I couldn't take it anymore.

Here's what I said when I spoke my peace....[read next entry]