I finally got to meet my care receiver for my journey with Stephen Ministry. A non denomination ministry.

Due to confidentiallity, I will call her PolyAnna, and I cannot really give you any details about her.

What I will talk about is my experience bringing the ministry to her. I knew all along that during this 6 month climb up the mountain, that God actually had an answer to my prayers brewing in the distance.

Since my Grandma passed away I have missed so much caregiving for someone who actually needed me to sit with them and love them. As a mother, I have the nurturing soul, but my set of circumstances does not allow for me to care for them as I want and need to. I plain and simply, miss just visiting someone who can't get out, and bringing a piece of the 'peacefull' world with me, to show them it still exists. Maybe its that they show me it still exists.

After a long climb up, I finally got to do that today. As God would have it, although she thought I was sacrificing my time for her, I selfishly was sacrificing my time for me. I received so much more out of my visit with her, than I could have possibly given her.

She called me one of her 3 Angels that God had sent to her. WOW!

I certainly don't consider myself an Angel for simply visiting a sick person, but it was so rewarding to know that she thought of it that way. I only wanted to make her day a little brighter and more peacfull, and take some of her suffering away, if only for a moment....

I left there thinking of all the things I could bring her and give her and do for her...I wanted to help her in every way I could. But the Stephen Minstry is very strict on their 'rules' of the ministry. I quickly realized I would have to 'break a rule' if I wanted to do more.

We are suppose to be there 1 a week for them and whenever they need to just talk. It is for a good reason, they are suppose to not depend on us so much, and we are to help them get back on their feet and do for themselves...I completely understand that. We are there to help them help themselves and LISTEN to them. Just listen to them. (We are not nurses or of a nursing background)

But God knows I am a 'rule' breaker. Jesus was a 'rule' breaker.

I offered to come by this week again to bring her communion...'a little bit of Jesus'. Who would pass up a visit from JESUS? Who could resist not bringing Jesus to someone who asked for it?

Definitely NOT me, the Rule Breaker! Perhaps that's why God brought me to her in the first place....He knew He needed someone who would 'bend' a little without breaking.

That's ME God! I'll do that for you. I'm just the person for that job. Glad I could help YOU out since you help me out all the time.

It's the best job I ever had, working for God.
Thank you for the sunshine!

I went to my kids baseball game. Remembered I was suppose to call a friend and tell them when my next vacation with the kids will be so we can plan a trip down on the farm.

I knew after just ending my 1st week of vacation with my kids, (never uneventfully), that it would NOT be an easy transition into the conversation I would inevitably have to have with my ex.

3 years ago, I got it in writing what my vacation schedule with the kids would be for June and July since he never ever would 'discuss' it. Letting the whole summer go by, insisting that no week was good for him.

But as my imprisonment would imply, its never easy asking for bread and water, even though they are suppose to give it to you.

My ex was at the baseball game impersonating a softball coach, so I decided to call his phone and leave him a message and let him know the specific dates that are mine in July with the kids. (just so their is no miss communication) It starts the 2nd weekend of my weekends in July)

He is not that intelligent and only remembers the 'rules' of June (the first weekend of my weekend), which are different for July.

I went to eat after the game, and he called as soon as I arrived....screaming at me...."that is not your week of vacation in July, it's the blah blah blah that YOU agreed to". He snapped. As I very calmly tried to explain to him, the rules he was saying was for June, in July I get them blah blah blah, its different for July I said. He just hung up.

Now I know I'm correct, but what I also know is that he must have taken his vacation that week that is suppose to be mine, he does it every year. Every year we have this same discussion, he's wrong, and makes me feel guilty because he took that particular week off...

Several kids fate of their vacation depend on his unbearable attitude and his 'un-intelligence'.

Hopefully tomorrow I can fax him the 'facts'...but when he discovers I'm right.....look out me....here comes the punches!

But I'll keep my chin up, and pray and pray, that we can work it out (I know I'm insane).

What freightens me, if I compromise with him and give him my week because of 'his schedule', I risk not actually getting them on the 'switched' week...but if I insist on my week and he can't change his week, shit will hit the fan for me and those poor kids....

'We'll see'
Talk to you soon from cell block 13

PS: I'm just remembering, same thing happened last year and the year before....I'm seeing a pattern here. Maybe it's NOT me and NOT my imagination, and he is just doing this, as always...

Well, that's it!!!!!! 'Screw the blue' and screw YOU sleeveless. Too bad you're an idiot...I'll take my punishment...but I will get them on the dates it says I'll get them.

Sorry you have to listen to this B.S. I hate living it I know that for a fact.

Hawaii sounds especially nice....

Prayers for me and all of YOU.

I saw a church sign today:

"The person who deserves love the least, needs it the most!"

After contemplating on it, I guess, you're right. What concerned me though, was I think I deserve love, don't I need it too? Why would someone else need it more than me? Why would that be the qualifier?

So I really tried to figure out what it was saying to 'me'....

So I thought maybe its talking about the people who don't love themselves, and because they don't love themselves, treat other people unfairly and poorly....

Or maybe its simply saying, the people who are mean and evil, need our love and compassion. That I understand, that I can do. I can have compassion for evil people, but please don't tell me that they need love more than me...

I believe we all come from God, one spirit, made in His likeness and image. (My God's extremely beautiful and funny..) Anyways, we all are pure light and love. Nothing to us really. No stories, just plain love.

We are all the same inside, and we all deserve equal treatment. No one else deserves more or less love than me for any reason and they certainly don't deserve more or less than you!

So, I need love just as much as any mean and evil person...perhaps the only difference is that I can love 'me'. Maybe they can't even do that.

What do you think?

I don't know where I'm goin
but I sure know where I've been
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Just another heart in need of rescue
waiting on love's sweet charity
an' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go.

An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go,
here I go again

Can I forget about the way it feels to touch you?
And all about the good times that we've been through
Could I wake up without you every day?
Would I let you walk away? [no no no]

No, I can't learn to live without
And I can't give up on us now

Oh I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
and promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean

No, I can't learn to live without
Oh, so don't you give up on us now

Oh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
and promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Oh and I don't wanna try

Oh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
and promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

I just can't live a lie

But even if I made a vow
and promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Oh, I cant live a lie
No I just can't live a lie...

Carrie Underwood