"I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph and there is purpose and worth to each and every life."

Ronald Reagan

I saw PollyAnna today.

My God is extremely intelligent. He has the ability to answer many prayers simply by allowing for 2 people to cross each other's paths.

Although I 'signed up' to the ministry to reach out to those in need, as my God would have it, Polyanna continues to reach out to me.

She said something to me that touched my heart and actually gave me a lot of insight and I would like to share it with you.

She is homebound, wheelchair bound, lives alone and can only get out of bed to take 2 steps to her potty chair.

I was asking her a lot of questions, trying to figure out where I could fill a 'void' that she didn't have covered in regards to her care. As we were discussing her needs, (although she thought we were just talking..), a thought came to her mind that she shared with me.

She said, "You know, it's funny how things happen. This didn't all happen to me at once. Don't know I could have handled it as well. She said slowly, my freedom was taken away, one by one. First I couldn't drive....then I said to myself, 'OK', so I won't drive. Then I had to go in the wheelchair...so I said to myself, 'OK', I'm in a wheelchair. Although I was a little afraid to tell my friends that I was now wheelchair bound, they all said they didn't mind, we are all getting old. Then I got sick and couldn't walk at all, so I said, 'OK', guess I have to live in this bed. Don't think I could have taken that all at once, but its 'OK'.", she said to me.

Wow....

She doesn't do much in the day. She told me her children call her and ask, "How are you, what did you do today?" She looked at me with this 'come on' kinda look...She said, "I know they aren't being insensitive, but where am I going to go, what am I going to do...I just say nothing". I laughed and told her the next time they ask her what she did today, to tell them that she was cooking a turkey!!! We laughed a lot...and when we quieted down, she said, "I'll have to remember that!".

Polyanna is right. God doesn't give it to us all at once. Maybe that's why some months seem to be nothing but crapola! We are getting it daily in small doses.

I thought about divorce actually. Perhaps that is why divorce is so devistating to people, even if you are the one who wants it. Its not so much a gradual thing when you leave the 'house'. For me, everything changed immediately the day I walked out the door.

Maybe if we can allow for the time of adjusting to every adjustment that comes our way, it would be 'OK', so that's how this is going to be. Then, 'OK', that is how that's going to be.

Like I said before, God is brilliant...small doses seems to be the key to dealing with real 'change'.

Thank you Pollyanna for your wisdom, but most of all, thank you for the gift of your wonderful spirit, inspite of 'life happens'.

Hhmm small doses..perhaps if we take change in small doses, we wouldn't need so much pain killers!

Let's go here, on this path..
No I want to go on this trail... that is not really a path

You act like you aren't afraid but you are afraid...nature lover tells me
Why can't you go on through the woods here?

Fine, let's go your way, I just don't want to get lost.
We won't get lost.

Up hill, climbing
Climbing...Climbing
I am glad that the roots of the trees create a God made ladder

Huff and puffing...She's huffing and puffing climbing up this 'path' she insisted we go on

We all finally make it to the top
I say, we are at the top of the giants

What? They inquire. The giants. My BFF calls these trees the giants
Aren't they amazing...we are more than half way on top of them..I say, we can't get any taller than this...
They seem quite interested in that fact..

We continue on the non-path
Do you hear that? Yes, sounds like...
It's a wood pecker, the true nature girl tells us

Yes a wood pecker...
I say, let's go find it.
They are sceptacal that we will find the wood pecker
Quite frankly so am I.....

We back-tracked about 20 feet, and I see it
Look, he's there...
Where...there...see that tree in front of you, look at the tree in front of it...gaze your eyes to the top where that branch bears off..

See it?
Yeah! I see it!! Yeah!
See the top of it's head, its red (my favorite color)
Yeah I see him
It's called a pillead wood pecker..
No it's a crest headed wood pecker..
Whatever, did you see it?????

Oh look it's flying away...
I see it! I see it!

It was the coolest thing..we all 4 saw this wood pecker
To my amazement, they were excited about it as I was...

Then we continued on the non-path the nature lover insisted was a path...

I was afraid, she was right..I was afraid of getting lost!!!

Then, she saw a tree that had fallen, but another tree had caught it from tumbling to the ground, right on what she called a 'fork' in the tree.

It was quite a sight! What are the chances of that happening the nature lovet said? We were all amazed. Then we saw another tree, then another in the same area...all caught by another tree, catching them from falling to the ground, but by a 'fork' in the other tree. I said, I wonder if an animal or a person was wondering through here when these trees decided to fall....and God stopped them from falling on the animal or the people, and had them land on the other trees instead..What are the chances of that happening. We counted 5 in the one area.

They were amazed as I was...

So I said, let's stop right now and everyone make a wish, because it seems like this is the spot where 'lucky' things happen.

To my surprise, they all stopped without a second mention of it, and made a wish. Funny how kids are, they all thought it was a special place to make a wish and it better be good...so they dwelled on it for a long time deciding what was the best wish to make...

Funny how adults are...its hard to 'grow up' amongst children...and I did the same thing!!!
I wanted to make my wish count, and I wanted to be very specific.

We caught a frog, saw a snake and welcomed it, saw a marsh, saw special leaves that looked liked angels to us.

It was a hike in the woods I'll never forget.

I love paintings and painters, and I am forever trying to get my children to tell me if they were painters what they would paint and how. We saw so many things in the woods today, that they told ME, 'An artist would love it here'. They also said, "look at the lighting here, how the sun lights up the trees, but part of it is in the shade, what color would that be?" Those are the questions I've asked them...It was such a blessing to me, to see that they see what I see.

When I walked through the woods with my BFF, I saw what he saw and I loved it.
Today, my children were seeing what I saw, and to me, that was an answer to my prayers.

I guess for me, a simple walk through the woods brings me great joy and peace. But only when I can walk through the woods with the people I love!

Thank you God for the gift of nature!

My youngest daughter shocked me more than once today. Perhaps it is God's way of allowing me to see her for who she really is, and not the anger that she projects onto me all the time.

As we were talking earlier today, that we are not who 'others say we are'. She truely isn't the child that I get everyday. She's the one who her teachers see. She's the child her coaches and her friends see.

Her sister and I get a very different 'person' in this child. We get her anger, we get her frustration, we get her wishes forced upon us...but we're her 'safe' people. We are the ones in her life who love her when she's angry. Most of the time, for us, she's angry and judgemental of both of us. But I don't believe that is who she is at all.

Today was a reminder of that for me. Her dad absolutely dislikes me with all his soul. My older daughter is exactly like me in looks, personality and heart. My children were taught very young that I was bad, and everything about me was bad. I feel sorry for my oldest, because she reminds him so much of me....

I picked up my youngest at a sleep over this morning and she said I 'stink'. I thought what? When we got to the car, I asked her why she said that, 'what do I smell like?'. She said, you smell like perfume...

When we first split up her dad told them to tell me to not wear perfume because they come home smelling like 'me'. Even to the point where they stopped hugging me so they wouldn't smell like me when they got home. But I refused to stop being 'me' and continued to where the perfume...

He not only projects his hatred of me onto them, but also his negative feelings about this world. I know in my heart they care so deeply for everyone...but he doesn't. It's a struggle I have, to 'undo' what he is teaching them and try to show them a better way of thinking and growing up in this world.

My BFF told me the best way I could teach them is 'through example'. He is so right. They respond the most to what I 'do' more so than what I just 'say'. I witnessed that at mass today.

What I wanted to share with you is an example of how we mix up our children when we put thoughts in their head that aren't actually theirs, but ours....

I apologize for this ahead of time and truely don't want to offend anyone:

My ex has negative thoughts and feelings towards the gay population. One I have never shared with him. We are on complete opposites of that issue. I believe everyone has a right to be who they are...he can't accept that.

I don't recall how it came up, but when we were driving in the car, one of the girls said so and so was gay. I said (being a Seinfeld fan), "not that there's anything wrong with that".

My youngest said, yes there is. (regurgitating sp? what her father has projected upon her). I said, no there isn't. The 2 oldest girls in the car didn't share my ex's view. Their friend said, "I think its wrong that they are not allowed to even get married." My youngest said, "what! They can't get married." She stopped and pondered that statement.

Then she looked at me and said, "Well I think its icky, but they should be able to get married if they want." I about fell on the floor. I said, "It's ok that you don't understand it, but we should allow everyone to be who they are, it's ok to be different, you know that."

She kept saying it, "That's not right, they should be allowed to get married." I know this is a statement she would never make in front of her dad, but I'm glad she said it to us...it proved to me more of the damage I knew all along he was doing. But it saved my thinking when I realized perhaps I had some influence the other way. Because I didn't say it, and because it was an open forum of discussion, she formed her own opinion and conclusion, and that's all I want my chidren to learn to do. Not take what I say as truth or anyone else, but learn and discover the truth for themselves.

I'm very thankful and glad that she sees the injustice in not allowing gay marriages.

I hope and pray someday if her father says the opposite, she will stick up for her true self and her true beliefs and tell him she doesn't agree with his opinion. (she tells me when she doesn't agree with me all the time)

At this stage in the game of life, I know I'm asking for another miracle, but we are entitled to one everyday I heard!

I took my children to church today, and everytime we go to church it is a battle getting there.

Today we had a 'friend' sleep over, so she came with us to church. I believe because the friend was with us, my kids weren't fighting me as much to go, because their friend 'wanted' to go.

Anyways, as we were sitting waiting for mass to start, my youngest declared that her and the 'friend' were going to go out for the special readings when they call all the kids up front...

I was actually shocked. My kids quit going to that last year. But for some reason, my youngest really 'wanted' to go, and she was convincing the older friend (her sisters friend actually), that she would like it. It was interesting to me...but not in the Lord's house. God 'wanted' her to go, and I think the Spirit was moving her there.

When they got back, my youngest was frantically trying to talk to me (still in church)...she asked me if I know 'Daniel'. I didn't know if Daniel was young or old, someone in the reading group or what? I said what honey, who is Daniel....she looked frustrated at me.

Then she said, that lady that taught our class, she's in the back, go talk to her, she'll tell you about Daniel...I said, honey I will, but I'll talk to her after mass. She said, Daniel killed himself, he is was 14, his funeral is today, (she asked me again) "do you know Daniel"? I said, no honey I don't.

This child is a very much keep to herself child. Her sister believes she has no heart and only thinks about herself. I certainly know differently, she just has trouble expressing what's in her heart on the outside. She doesn't like to 'loose control and get emotional' like her sister and I do... She sees crying as a weakness, and tries desperately never to do it. But I know her emotions are very very strong, she just chooses not to outwardly expressing them.

Today, was evident, she cared about a stranger named "Daniel". It really touched her. She was anxiously awaiting the "prayers of the Faithfull". In a Catholic mass, its the part of the mass where we offer our petitions of prayers up. At our particular church, they mention all the sick in the church by name, then at the end, those who have died.

I never thought she paid much attention to the prayers. One time they mentioned someone who shared our last name, it turned out to be her uncle, and she heard the name...I wonder if she's been listening ever since for someone 'she knows'.

But she said to me, "They'll say his name when they read the prayers of those who died..." I was hoping they would for her sake, since she was paying so much attention to it. I was praying that Daniel would be mentioned for her sake.

For those who have died, especially, "Daniel G"...she looked at me and said, that's him, that's the boy. He hung himself mommy, she said he was having trouble and instead of talking to someone, he hung himself. If only he could have just talked to someone, he wouldn't have done that.

I put my head down and tears started rolling down my face. I was sad for "Daniel G" and his family, but I was also so touched by my younger daughters outward pouring of emotion that she had for this 'stranger'. When she witness me caring about someone I never met, or if I see someone on the street who is ill and I say OH..she always says, "But you don't know them"... But this touched her and it touched me that it touched her. She asked me why I was crying...I said, "I'm sad for Daniel". (I cry a lot at mass when I pray, and they always ask me why)

She recently made her first communion and since making it, I can count the number of times she choose to go up and receive. I never force her, if she doesn't want to its ok. I asked her when communion came as I always do..."Are you going up?" She smiled at me and said "Yeah, I want to go." I was happy and shocked.

I was in front of her and she asked me to go slow when I was drinking the wine, to give her time to swallow her communion before taking the wine...So I tried to go slow...LOL....Oh what we don't do for our kids.

When we got back to our seats, I asked her, "Did I go slow enough?" She smiled and said "Yes". (for those of you who don't know me and my youngest daughters relationship, its been quite a struggle since my divorce..she barely acknowledges I'm her mother, let alone show me any loving response at all...)

At Catholic mass now they are standing after communion and if you follow my blog you will know I break rules if I think they are ridiculous...this is one of them.

She said, do I have to stand..I said no, let's both sit and pray for "Daniel".

She bowed her head so reverently..folded her hands and closed her eyes (like I do) and prayed...she prayed...quite odd for me to see, even going all this time..I don't remember when I actually saw her stop and reflect and pray... (maybe when my grandma died)

Wow! The Spirit works in mysterious ways, and today, that was my miracle.

Please pray for "Daniel G" and his family.