I'll never get use to the lonliness
I'll never get use to the pain
I want it all to go away
Stop me from going insane!

I hope and I dream
Living the difference in between
My weakness is growing stronger
Can't hang on very much longer

God why can't my mission be complete
I want to go Home for a retreat!
Take me back God and I'll be good
Here, I'm just misunderstood!

My love for you is like the sun, always rising, never ceasing

I will keep you warm when you are cold
Will you come out to feel my heat?

I will radiate my light and shine it upon you
Are you willing to step out of your darkness?

I shall set upon the night skies stars
I will bring beauty forth through the dawn

Will you be there to see me rise?
Or will you be sleeping through an endless sky?

"When man plans, God Laughs!"

A quote given to me by Polyanna.

A reminder to all of us, that He has it under control, and we are just along for the 'ride'.

I told her, 'I know God laughs at me often...I speak of my faith and my hope for the future, then I doubt everything.. I feel God must constantly be laughing at me, knowing that if I had the faith I am forever speaking of, I wouldn't 'worry' at all. The 'wheels are in motion' (seinfeld) and I will be freed from my cell someday I just know it!!

I saw Polyanna today. I went there kicking and screaming..knowing I told her I would be by today, but really not having the energy to do so.

As I went to her room, she sat up in bed. Her grandson visited her today.

I left her my daily readings for mass, this week the first reading was about Abraham and Sarah...great story if you read the whole thing from the bible. The daily reading left out parts, and I just adore this story.

What fascinated me the most was the 'ripple' effect, my giving her that book had on her and the people in her life. Her grandson came to visit and Tuesday's reading was about Abraham's nephews fighting amonst themselves. Guess her grandson was arguing with his brother.

She told me she was telling him about what she read, and he said, 'let me see that'.. he took the book from her and read it. He read the bible! An 18 year old.

She also informed me that her daughter went to church this weekend. She said she had been telling her daughter of our visits..we pray and I bless her everytime. (I've never blessed anyone before, but I've had lay people bless me and it feels so good, I thought I'd give it a try.)

I told her that even though she is living in her bed, she still has much use and much purpose in this world. If she didn't, God would have taken her home by now because her job was done. But she's not done giving to the world.

I told her look, from your bed you brought your daughter home to God, back to prayer..your grandson is reading the bible...how awesome a gift you have given them. One they can use long after your job is finished here.

She contemplated and smiled, and to my satisfaction, 'recognized' her need, and the way she was still giving to the world!

She makes me smile, and she makes me feel usefull. I told her that. I told her, I go to visit her because she gives me so much joy. She argued, the reverse, but I held firm...no, Polyanna, I'm here because YOU are a gift to me...

It's akward blessing someone if you haven't done it. I felt very weird and unworthy for the task, but very called to do so. Today when I blessed her before leaving, I put my hand on head, and I prayed very sincerely for her to recognize the gifts she brings, to heal her illness and always keep her hope and faith in her heart.

In such a small amount of time, Polyanna has taught me more about 'faith' (that God has it under control) and 'hope' than anyone else has in my life!

When I got to the car, I looked at the time...I was there for an hour and 40 minutes....so much for kicking and screaming on my way there!

Vincent Van Gogh's A pair of shoes

What do you think this painting represents? What does it mean to you? I really want to know!

When I first saw this painting I forever saw an old pair of worn out shoes. I asked my brother, what he saw. He told me it was a brand new pair of shoes...

I couldn't see it. I just couldn't see it. The shoes were worn and tattered looking to me. It appeared to have the nails sticking out of the sole of the shoe due to a hard walk somewhere.

He very much dissagreed with me, and kept telling me, "No DJV, those are brand new nails, they are shiny."
I tried and tried and couldn't see it.
Last year I finally looked at that painting, and saw a "New pair of shoes!" Yes I see it! They look new.
I felt as though I was new 'inside' and perhaps that is why I saw the shoes as new.

For me this painting states several facts:

We project how we are feeling inside, to the outside world. If we are worn and tired, we will see everything that way. If we are feeling 'brand new', we will look at the world that way.

Sometimes I don't see things the way you see it, and that's ok. It's because we lived many different experiences and we have to be understanding of that fact when dealing with other people's point of views.

If you walked your whole life in MY shoes, you'd understand why I do and say the things I do.

Don't judge another unless you've walked in their shoes.

I also love how Vincent paints the shoes, one viewing the 'sole' and the other viewing the 'outside' of the shoe. It's the whole package, the in and the out, that comprise the 'shoe', in other words....me!

Gee, I hope I'm still in style...