Watch my life pass me by in a rearview mirror
pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

cause I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken and I'm faded
I'm half the girl I thought I would be
but you can have what's left of me

I've been dying inside
little by little
nowhere to go going out of my mind
and in endless circle
running from myself until
you gave me a reason for standing still

Falling faster
barely breathing
give me something to believe in
tell me its not all in my head

take what's left of this girl
make me whole once again

I'm been dying inside you see
I'm going outa my mind, outa my mind
I'm just wandering in circles all the time
will you take what's left of me
just running in circles in my mind

take what's left of me

I had many miracles today to speak of. Let me start off by saying, I picked up my girls today. Often I look forward to it, but they have been quite challenging lately and the seperation has left them at a distance from me (or where I think there heart is).

My youngest deals with the divorce through her anger towards me. I have worked very hard to diminish her anger and try to get through to her...but her way of dealing with her anger towards me has been to push me away. She has never responded to me focalizing "I love you". She always says "OK". Yet hear her talk to her dad on the phone, it would make you sick! "Love you the mostest!" blah blah blah So at least I know she is capable of outwardly expressing love.

Her sister has entered puberty and with that comes challenges. But she has taken her sisters approach, and decided not to respond to my "I love you" adoration.

It was weighing on my heart this week. I kept thinking, fine, if you don't love me, and you have other things to do, then fine, don't be with me...(childish I know, but that's part of my internal struggle).

I was never able to be a kid when I was a kid, so now I struggle with a childlike attitude when I feel 'unloved'!

I picked them up, expecting the worst, and for a while, I received my expectation. They were fighting amongst themselves, the youngest was challenging every word I spoke, as usual. She is very bright and she thinks she is smarter than me, but fails to see she receives her wisdom from God and me, certainly not her sleevless father.

It was exhausting as usual, being questioned of my every question. She's always looking for the reason behind my question...and there isn't one, only trying to get her to talk to me.

I finally spoke out, what I told my BFF I was going to do, I did! I had the conversation with them...I told them I have seen a lot of people dying suddenly and I wouldn't want them to leave this world not knowing that I loved them.

I told them, that I was going to raise children who told people I LOVE YOU if they do, and its ok not to respond if you don't, but if you DO love someone TELL THEM FOR GOD's Sake!!! That's why we are here! LOVE LOVE LOVE

I told them I wouldn't raise children who couldn't tell their aunt or uncle, or a friend or even a friend's mom who was kind to them that they felt love from, I LOVE YOU! Truth is, they do tell these people the love them, then why not ME?

I went to take them home, and we really didn't have a time to be there "odd enough"...and my kids love to sing and they sing like angels. Their mother thinks she can sing, but they tell me otherwise... We were ALL signing (because it drives them crazy when I do) Carrie Underwood CD. She has many songs on that CD we all love. The first one, "I don't want to spend my life Jaded, wasted, to wake up one morning and find, that I've let all these years go by, wasted..." We were all singing this song on full blast with the top down (Beautiful night tonight), even me, with conviction and feeling. I love to see them sing songs with feeling. Feel the words they sing. They sing the best when they feel the song.

Anyways, my youngest in the back said, she thought she sang better when she was singing loudly...to me, it was because she was singing from her heart!

She must have been having a good time, because as I was driving them home singing, she told me I didn't have to go right home, I could drive around!!

Drive around, I love to drive around!!! So I did. I drove to my old house, and we kept singing song after song at full blast. WE drove by their friends who must have saw us because she phoned us before we got home. "I think I saw you and your mom drive my house", she said!

"Jesus take the wheel" came on! One of my favorites. We had the top down mind you, so when the verse came up (My inner child comes out a lot when I am happy) I took my hands and raised them in the air, over the the visor...and kept driving and kept singing louder "Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand, cause I can't do this on my own..oh but let it go, give me one more chance, save me from this road I'm on....Jesus take the wheel). They both looked at me and tried not to smile...they had joy on their faces, but one of embarrasment too!! Finally I have graduated to mother hood!!! I embarrassed my children!! YEAH for me!!

When I finally got their house, they exited, and my oldest said "goodbye, love you", my youngest looked right into my eyes and said "Thank You mommy". I didn't respond because I didn't know how to. So she said it again "Thank you mommy". Looking right into my eyes...Guess that means "I LOVE YOU MOMMY!"

I'll take it!

My Wish Lyrics

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

I was bringing communion at the beginning of the week to a co-worker who had been diagnosed with cancer spreading throughout her body. Her first treatment was Monday and I felt the need to bring her Jesus on Tuesday.

As me and another co-worker gathered together all the things we thought she would want from her office, I was handed a pokemon' named 'eevee'. My friends initials are EV, and when she golfed with us at our first outing, we nicknamed her 'eevee' and placed the pokemon' name on her all golf balls so we could tell the difference.

I had never been to her house and I followed my other co-worker/friend there. She was in her living room, laying on her couch. She looked very tired and weak. We both knelt down besides the couch, between the couch and the 'coffee table', both feeling the need to be close to her.

I brought Jesus out and asked that we all say a prayer together for EV. We all 3 prayed the Our Father. Then I went to give her the communion, then offered it to my other co-worker/friend that was with me. She said, "Oh, I haven't taken communion since I've been divorced (30 years ago)..., well, ok." I just compassionately looked at her and said, "that's ok, I'm divorced." (I hoped and prayed at that moment that she knew what I was thinking. I mean, she knows I'm divorced, who am I to be a distributor of such a treasure. But there I was. If I was worthy, MOST definitely SO was she. This is the 'Mother Theresa' of my work place!

So, with my prayers granted, she graciously received the body of Christ!!

That's God for you! He always is multi-tasking!! It amazes me how God answers several people's prayers with just one ACTION.

I thought I was bringing communion to the sick, and helping 'eevee', but God was using me beyond my realm of thought. He also used me to bring her back to Him, in the physical sense.

I told her today, please don't hold yourself up against church doctrine. Those are man made rules. Go with what's in your heart. I told her, I know God must have wanted you to receive, because I brought extra 'thinking' of you, not knowing you would have to contemplate. But God must have wanted you to know it was Ok, or He wouldn't have asked me to bring it to you. (Really, I brought extra, knowing she would be there. I didn't bring extra for me, but for her specifically.) That's what was in my heart.

Anyways, she was excited and thanked me. I told her to thank God, because He has everything and the only thing to do with it. I just listened....

Everyone listens when EF Hutton speaks don't we???

I was also contemplating visiting with EV as well as Polyanna. I guess I am drawn to those who are dying/ill. I was asking myself, why? Why do I feel the need to be so close to those who are dying? I have witnessed people running scared away from those who are dying or ill. People who just can't bear to see the suffering. That's ok, it's not for everyone. Mother Theresa has always been a hero of mine.

I admired the way she touched the sick, when everyone else was running away. Like in the bible when Jesus touches and speaks to and heals the lepers, and everyone else was afraid. I am not afraid of the dying, I welcome it. But I asked myself yesterday, why do I welcome it?

My conclusion was a bit selfish. I welcome it, because they are so close to leaving this world and moving on to the next. Who are they going to see when they leave here...GOD!! I thought to myself, as I have prayed many times next to a dying persons bedside...TELL GOD I SAID HI when you see HIM!

I guess I feel they are so close to seeing God that I want to tell them everything I can to say to God for me. But because we live in this 'world' that is sometimes uncomfortable, so instead, I ‘show’ them how I feel about God through my LOVE for them!

Maybe they'll tell God how much I love HIM and say hi for me!

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I have been a little busy.

I decided since I wasn't invited to a 'family' party, and all my friends were spending time with their immediate family's and my children were with their dad, that I would WORK on the 4th of the July.

Yes, I decided to go to work! I know it's our nations birthday, the celebration of Freedom, and being as 'free' as I could possibly get on the 4th of July, I decided 'freely' to go to work as any other good American.

I did decide to have some fun first to start my day off. I slept in! Yeah!! My choice, my freedom to choose whenever I wanted to awake and arise to celebrate MY independence.

Then I went to a parade. A glorious parade, raining on and off, by myself. A parade alone. Have you ever been to a parade alone. It is quite an experience. For me, it was like going to a carnival with nothing but rides and things for children and families to do...all by myself. It was weird to be at a parade alone, and I felt like everyone was looking at me trying to figure out what my 'deal' was. (I'm sure it was just me.)

But they didn't have a clue of why I was there. I kept thinking, "They don't know, maybe my whole family is in the parade, that's why I'm standing here trying to blend in with your family." They didn't know, but their focus seemed to be a bit judgemental or again it could have just been my paranoa! But truth be told, my whole family wasn't in the parade, only my whole life! The only thing that brings me great joy and pleasure was in the parade and I wanted to be there to see it!

That was freedom! True freedom! To be able to stand there waiting to see the only thing that matters to me come up the hill and smile at me! That was great joy!

Then, off to work. I worked and I worked and I worked. I day dreamed a bit, then I worked and I worked and I worked. I accomplished a lot yesterday and my stress levels were completely diminished today because of what I got done. Ah, true freedom...freedom of STRESS!

Then I came home, and because I worked all this passed weekend, I needed to do laundry. Now I do have enough clothes to last me a whole month, so yes, it has been a month since I did laundry! I was leaving my 'room' and going downstairs to do the laundry, when, everyone I passed in the hallway was commenting to me..."Laundry day on the 4th of the July!??!" Yes laundry day! I mean, it's not like today is Christmas!!! I am doing laundry, something I HAVE to do, and YES today...if I want true freedom of choosing what clothes I want to wear tomorrow, then I have to do laundry on this sacred day of INDEPENDENCE. If it was truley independence day, then why do YOU care what I am doing today of all days, "independently"!!!

I mean really, don't I have the right to choose what I do on this day!!! of all the days in the world???

Talked to my brother who lives away, he wanted to know what his fun loving sister had planned for the '4th'!!! I couldn't even barely answer him!!! I worked today...."TODAY" he said...YES TODAY!! Why is it so hard for Americans to believe that we would WORK on INDEPENDENCE day???

I decided to watch the fireworks outside my window. I can see for miles the fireworks from my view...so that's what I did. If I traveled, I would only be watching one set of fireworks at a time. This time, I was watching, I counted, 20 at time!

My other brother 'daryl' called...where are you watching the fireworks...I said, from home, he said "OH".....

What is it with everyone. My goodness, more stores are opened on Christmas than they were yesterday! Do we have our priorities mixed up?

It was independence day and I celebrated it "independently" and with ME! I LOVE spending time with ME, I am the funest person to be around! I love me, and we had fun, and we did it OUR way!

Now that statement is TRUE FREEDOM!


Sorry so long, but that's my FREEDOM to choose how long this blog is going to be!!!