My car is stuck in the snow. I wanted to make my dad’s homecoming happy. The girls and I shoveled our backs broke. But fate decided to teach me a lesson that day.
As I first realized I was stuck in the snow, I was so angry that I had shoveled the driveway, but didn’t clear it off good enough, and started to drive on it anyway. Because there was still much snow left, (but not nearly as bad as it was before), I proceeded to drive on it, and found myself stuck in it. Didn’t I know better???
I invited my girls to help me and they obliged, but it became very dangerous for them to be there so I dismissed their company. As I was spinning my tires trying so desperately to get out, all I could hear was this voice in my head saying, ‘this is what spinning your wheels means’. You try so hard giving it all the gas you can, but you go nowhere. I knew I had to do something different to get out, or I would always be in the same place.
I needed someone else to help me and tell me why my wheels were spinning. I thought, if I only knew why they were spinning, I could figure the right way out of this hole.
Did I need more snow or less. The most obvious impression was I needed more snow. But if you studied the situation carefully you would know, that more snow was causing more trouble, less snow was the key.
A very scary onlooker passed by as I asked for assistance. Reluctantly, he told me that my wheels were spinning because they were stuck in a grove, and I needed to get all the material away from the tires, and chisel my way to the pavement, before I would get unstuck. He was not your ordinary savior, however, in his Charles Manson way, he convinced me to listen to him.
During the early minutes of the escapade, I asked my children to call my mother, my brother and my friends… anyone you can get a hold of to just come and pick us up. I have another car awaiting us, there is no need for this car anymore. That was the easiest and quickest way out I knew. What kept haunting my mind was, ‘what about after that’. ‘The car will still be stuck in the snow if you leave’.
No one was calling me back to help. One person unexpectedly called, but he couldn’t help although I know he wanted to. The situation for him, probably making him feel helpless, caused him to rebuke back to his childish ways, and hide in his ever-safe cocoon. But none of this helped me get unstuck!
So, I was faced with me, myself and I as I retreated to the drivers seat and tried to uncover a milestone never defeated or even attempted by a Krakau female….having car troubles, and getting out of them completely on your own!
I moved forward and backward, forward and backward, rocking aimlessly, awaiting that sudden jolt that frees you to safety! This defeat would not come without a fight!
I had to get out and chisel, then back in and rock, get out and chisel, then back in and rock….get out and chisel, then back in and rock…In my mind, an internal voice spoke to me, ‘You can do this, keep pushing yourself’. I grew more and more faint and tired, yet something inside of me kept me going and kept me trying. When I wanted to give in, something inside told me not to stop, I would have success!!’ Till finally to my surprise…..FREEDOM! Ooooohhhhhhh FREEDOM…. I felt like Areatha Franklin at that moment, or maybe even a constituent of the great Abraham Lincoln!!! I made it, and I made it all by myself!
But what haunts me to this day, is what was fate trying to tell me??? Everyone I know would question my questioning as ‘thinking too much’. But am I? Those voices were too clear. Even that night I heard loud and clear a voice calling my name around 3:00am. It was so clear and so loud, it woke me up and I thought someone was in my living room calling my name. Why did the voice call me and what was I not hearing?
Immediately I thought and even said to my girls, ‘See, you can do anything without a man.’ Is that what they want me to know? Is that what would head my spirit growth? Can I possibly do this without him? Am I spinning my wheels staying here? Thinking that if I just get a ride ‘out’ temporarily I will fix it, but will I fix it?
I don’t think so. I truly think the spirit is calling me to push myself out of this situation to freedom. I was so stupid for driving on this snow path road in the first place when I know better.
What prohibits me from doing it, is that I think he needs me to help him. (besides the obvious, I love him). But all my presence is doing is allowing him to feed me crumbs when I deserve the whole cookie! He feels guilty and gets to retreat, and I get to feel the ‘effects’ of it all, and all I did was live my life as he chose---to live it without being there with him. It wasn’t MY choice at all.
I need to get myself out of the snow…it isn’t as deep as it was before, and it looked so safe to drive on. But the truth of the matter is, it is more dangerous than before.
As I was getting out, I got myself half way up the driveway, and promised myself, I wouldn’t take the car anymore further down the road where I was before when I got stuck. But here I am again. I’m stuck, just as I got released, because I moved forward then backward!
It’s obvious to me now, that this path I choose, is still not cleared off enough for me to safely travel on it.
I await its melting snow, till I can trust by seeing the pavement with my own eyes. It’s like a hot stove, I don’t want to go back there, I know better for God’s sake. I know better for mine!
I struggle with my vow to not run away as I have to safety in the past. But I haven’t run away for the past 2.5 years, I’ve stuck it out literally. He vowed to me to try not to shut me out, but he has, more often than not. If he can retreat to his nighttime blanket, why can’t I retreat to mine? It’s about time that I took myself to safety. Heck, what is he retreating from me for? What did I do to him? He chose this path, not me, I chose to walk on it with him. But now I am choosing to get off!! Climb a tree, run away, get as far away as I possibly can! Retreat to safety Nae Nae!
