Yesterday was a trying time for me, in more ways than one. But at the end of the day, I spent it with my children whom I hadn't seen in a week (not my choice).

My youngest was her usual mean self, very distant, very nasty, very disrespectful in a humorous, doubting kind of way (just like her dad). It is like you don't know if they are being vicious or not...

She tried several times yesterday to get out of staying with me but I wouldn't budge. After dinner we had to take her sister to cheerleading practice. I took them, and told her we would do something together while the oldest was at practice. She would have no part of it, because her dad was coming to practice to drop something off.

As her dad came, she wouldn't leave him...and I was getting frustrated..not angry but just plain frustrated. Why did I have to continue to beg the people I love to be around me?

I told her 'let's go' and I walked to the car...she wasn't behind me. I waited and waited in the car, the whole time talking myself 'out of just leaving them there'. I wanted to leave and make a statement and just leave them there. Fine if you don't want to be with me fine, don't.

I talked myself out of it, and got out of the car, and walked over to her and her dad. Hey, 'let's go', I said. She didn't say anything just continued to 'love on' her dad.

I went back to my car and waited...talking to myself...'don't leave it will be worse'. 'What would BFF do?'...contemplating that.

Then I simply walked back to the practice field where her dad was actually leaving her...I looked her right in the eyes and I said "Don't ask me for anything."

Then I proceeded to sit down in the front of the cheerleading squade and the inexperienced team mom's, and watch practice.

She came over to me, her dad had left as I heard him say, 'you brought this upon yourself' and he left her.

She was upset, and was sheding some odd tears (for her). She came over to me and said, "let's go, I'm ready".

I refused to look at her and never spoke one word to her. She kept asking me to if she could do things, 'can I do this', 'can i go here..' but I wouldn't answer her and I expected her to go do it anyways...but she didn't...

She sat herself down next to me and proceeded to try and get my attention, which I knowingly did not give to her.

This lasted the whole practice....

Then when practice was over, I grabbed the oldest and said, 'time to go' and went towards the car...not even looking back where the other one was...

tough love I guess

She got in the car and took them home and I never said a word to her after that. Especially not even eye contact.

The next day I picked up 2 happy beautiful children, speaking very respectful to me. We had an awesome dinner and taught then the value of not getting upset over dinner and 'uncooked food' especially to a waitress who has nothing to do with the 'food'.

My youngest had chicken and it was clearly not cooked well. She asked me hesitantly, 'do you think this is cooked'. I looked and said, 'no it isn't'. I calmly waited for the waitress to come back as she ate the potatoe.

The waitress came and I pleasently said, 'her chicken needs a couple more minutes in the micro, if you don't mind, please.' She immediately apologized and said, I will fix this and bring the manager back...I said, 'oh no need for the manager, that's not necessary, just a microwave will do...LOL'.. ..

My kids looked at me in shock and smiled and said, 'some people would have yelled at her when its not even her fault...' I said, 'I know, it's fine, they'll bring it back cooked.

The manager came back with a whole new plate of food with chicken and another baked potatoe...

I contemplated their comment and remembered....'their dad' is 'some people'... he's so picky and every meal he gets he sends back complaining....they seemed a bit relieved!

I know it won't last forever but I thank God for my 'moments' of being able to just be 'me' with them. My BFF has always told me to teach them 'by example' and his words continue to shine through to me at these very trying moments...when I realize, just DO, no need to 'speak'. That's when they get it the most...when I DO what I tell them to do!

I also thank God for the calm loving times that my children give me when they put their 'walls down'!

God knows how much I despise the walls!

When our 'walls are up' because we have been hurt, they are up for everyone around us. So when ANYONE tries to get in, we won't let them because of the walls. The walls shield us from the pain, but shield us from experiencing any kind of love others are trying to give us. It protects us from the 'whole outside world'....be it good or bad.

Thank you God for helping her to look over her wall where she can at least 'peak at me' and 'see me' and 'feel the love I have for her' no matter how much she tries to hurt me, I love her anyways!

I love her because I love her. How cool that must be to be her. I love her for no other reason, than, she is who she is. No matter who she decides to be, how she decides to act...I will love her...

That's how God love's us. He loves us because he made us...simply that. He loves us. We can screw up, we can yell and treat Him meanly, but no matter what, He loves us. He's the best Dad ever!

I love BFF that way as well. I love him because he is simply BFF. No matter what he chooses to do or be in life, I simply love him. I don't need his love back to love him, I just love him.

To me that is awesome! That truely is unconditional love which I have finally realized I am capable of!!!

Thank you Lord, continue to be with all of us and make us your ever lasting servants of 'love'!

I feel the need to write again, although, I am afraid of experiencing the pain...I'll write anyways...

I have been very busy at work due to the fact that we had a 'death in the family' (Benefits adminsitration) and a 'birth in the family' (payroll had a baby and on maternity leave) not to mention my very demanding job with our customer and to top it all off, we are moving to a new location and I am not only part of the move team, but part of IT as well.

I thrive on the pressure I am experiencing actually, because it has always offered me a chance to be able to show my true abilities that are so very diverse in their capabilities and it offers me an opportunity to demonstrate my 'true need' at my company. It also offers me a sense of 'self' gratification, being able to accomplish so many tasks, not allowing anything to 'fall through the cracks'.

My sense of job security has always been the very situation that I am in right now, and the people who it matters to the most, are the only ones who are witnessing it right now, and that's ok. It does remind me of the reasons these same people stick up for me now continually where others just don't realize my value, because they haven't been able to experience it. So in many ways, it is helping me achieve a level of success I haven't been able to experience since the last 'crisis'. It has also provided to me a sense of 'proof' of my 'self worth' to a company I have been so dedicated to since I started working for it.

That is part of my background of what is going on right now. The painfull part I need to talk about right now, despite my reservations due to its pain, is my children.

My children try to come up with every excuse in the book not to 'exercise my right to visitation' with them. I have always believed that their dad had a serious hand in them calling me not wanting to come with me, but over the last few weeks I have wondered and contemplated, how much of that IS really their feeling?

I decided to 'test' it, as any other 'woman' would, and play a game of 'let's see if you really care about me, or do you really not...'

I was suppose to see my kids last night and after the weekend I had with them, one of them trying her hardest not to come with me, I was exhausted and not up for the 'fight' when my oldest daughter called to ask for me not to come and get them....

I had so much work to do, I could just stay at work, so I decided not to argue and just 'grant her the wish' she so strategically implemented. But then I had to go home....

It was ok to deal with that moment and stay at work, but eventually I had to go home...even though I did everything I could not to go there too soon....3:00am would have been too soon because I hate facing that reality of going home to no one waiting for me and wanting me there...

One thing I can say about marriage is that someone is always home 'waiting for you to come there'....for some reason or another... In my life, no one waits for me, I just continue to wait.

Anyways, that was yesterday...then today...I felt an immature need to retaliate...FINE, (typical torn woman vocabulary), FINE, if you don't want to be with me, then I won't want to see you either....

So I called my children today, still very busy at work...and talked to my oldest only 1/2 hour before I was to pick them up, and told her for the first time...."I'm not coming to get you tonight"!!!
I thought.."There, how do YOU like it!"

But then, as usuall, it didn't go my way...and my daughter said to me in a very monitone voice, "OK". I said, "OK, talk to you later" and then instead of asking me any question showing concern or anything she just simply said, "OK", a second time, and we hung up. Not even an "I love you" from her, and she is the one that at least says it to me!!

Oh, well, 'OK, then!' I played my game and it hurt me. Probably why I avoid playing games altogether...I guess I just thought for once, for one time they would argue to WANT to be with me.

I give them everything when I am with them. Everything! All my heart, all my love, all my money can afford to them that they want...all my time and attention when they are with me, all my effort in my thoughts to help them, in my thoughts to 'do for them', countless counseling sessions for me to continue to overlook their disrespectfull behavior and continue to not hold them 'personally' responisble for their own actions they put upon me...because when the day is over...it really was ME, I really am the one that put us ALL in this situation and I guess I am receiving the consequences to my selfish behavior that I expressed YEARS before.

I am here to ask the world...when do I stop paying the price for choosing my own happiness and stability and leaving MY HUSBAND (NOT my CHILDREN)...when will my punishment be over???

I guess it will never 'really' be over, until my children have either experienced what I have and eventually come to 'understand it', or until their father offers his hand in order to make 'peace'! NOT!!!! LOL (I am a comedian my nature obviously..)

God give me strength not to give up, becuase I am ready to, it's too hard to continue and continue with very little satisfaction 'in between' the gunshots!!!!

But it's even harder not to continue...