I met with Polyanna tonight. She really is such a delight!
I know sometimes she doesn't want me to leave, but sometimes, I don't want to leave either.

I built up a lot of memories over the last week. I do believe life it about a lot of things, but one of them, is building memories. Those that last long after we are gone from this earth.

I attended a funeral mass this morning for a co-worker, who over the years, had become a very natural existence in my every work day life. Today, after the mass, I went to work and realized she wouldn't be back. I passed by the copy machine and encountered a memory...

I was about to go on vacation and we needed to wrap up somethings before I left. I had tried to meet with her earlier that day, but her job and mine, kept us both busy. She apologized to me at the end of the day for not getting to me. It didn't bother me at all, because I was just as busy. We ended up standing at the copy machine, and I didn't know at the time why, but I know now, that my moment with her at the copy machine would prove to be very significant...it was the last time we actually 'worked' together.

That was 7 weeks ago...

I went on vacation and while I was gone, she had a pain in her back. She felt it was from pulling something from moving things at her mother's house. Her mother passed away in April. After getting test after test done, she ended up in the hospital, trying to figure it all out.

By the time I was back from vacation for a week, they figured it out it was cancer.

She passed away 6 weeks later, and although I did get to see her while she was ill, I never did quite see her the way I did that day at the copy machine, healthy and very much alive. As I visited her after that, she looked like a dying woman with cancer.

I went on vacation again for my second month of vacation with my children, and while I was away, she died.

I had never witnessed before anyone failing illness so fast and her attitude changed as her diagnoses became more fatal. Her attitude changed though, with acceptance. She accepted her illness as her fate, and died willingly giving herself to God. She told a priest who had visited her for her last rights, that she was not afraid to die and had accepted her destination, and that she knew that her mother had prepared the way for her and that she would be there ready to greet her. This gave her much comfort and peace.

It really does take an exceptional person to do that and mean it. As she was. I know some difficulty we had over this past year, must have been contributed to what was going on with her physically. It was obvious to me that something was different about her, not actually being her 'self'. I thought it was the change of life...perhaps it was the 'change of life', but the change from this life to the next!

At her mass today during the eulogy, it was said that she was the definition of love. So they stated the definition of love: to be totally giving of oneself without any expectation of anything in return.

Part of life is death. Part of those that are left behind to deal with the death, to me, is a reminder to us all of our immortality. So I pondered...if I die tomorrow...had I loved according to the definition? What would they say about me when I passed?? Would they be at a loss for words...or would they actually have something worth saying about me? Did I love?

I thought...well...

I try to do that always, and know that I am capable of loving someone that way because I do that now. I love without expectation...I love because I love them. Regardless of what is brought forth upon me, I still love. My children don't always cooperate and show love, but I love them anyways. The situation I am in, is not always ideal, but I love anyways, because plain and simply I love them.

One of the things I received from Eevee's eulogy was that she always said, "get over it". I recognized this about her. It was true, she did say that, even to me. The last sentences that her children asked was that we remember their mother for 3 things....

1. get over it
2. teach by example
3. love without expecting reward

God Bless you Eevee and may your soul rest in peace and may perpetual light shine upon you!

These last couple days have been a strange walk down my own personal life's path. I ran into several people from my past and usually I would wonder, 'am I dying soon', but today I wonder, 'what is God trying to communicate to me'.

He is spelling it out so simply. For some reason, again, He wants me to examine my past. But why? I wonder, why does he want me to examine my past?

As my BFF would point out to me, 'you can learn so much from history'.....perhaps he is right, [as usual].

Maybe God wants me to learn something from what I've experienced the last couple of days...

I met up with a friend from high school who contacted me through classmates.com. It appears, in my reunion case anyways, that the only way you will know about our reunion is through classmates.com.

Anyways, I met up with him yesterday at a local pub near our old school. It was so very nice to see him again. I was curious to see if his long, 'ramones' style hair had turn to boldness, or just cut short...or even remained long. I was happy to see that he still had his hair, just cut much shorter.

Anyways, our brief encounter left me feeling a bit miss-balanced between what was 'then' and what is 'now'. My friend and I were always just friends, so that is not what I mean at all, but my miss-balance was from how long ago it 'was', and what exactly had 'changed' in myself, and what was still the same. I got the feeling he was struggling with the same concept, although we didn't mention it.

I believe this is what God is trying to teach me. Learning from history sort of thing...but also...seeing the progress from it.

When we walk and work through life, it is difficult to see our own progress....but when we see people we haven't seen in 20 years...yes 20 years...it is very evident from both sides, what has progressed forward and what is still there.

From viewing my friends growth, it was easy for me to see from my end. Leaving him at graduation so to speak, then 20 years goes by, and listening to what happened to him after it. I struggled during the whole time I was 'listening to him' to actually see 'my friend', the one I hadn't seen for 20 years....I kept looking for 'him'. Where was he? Then I realized, he had 'grown up'!

Funny, he was still there, but in a much more mature fashion. He was still the person I knew back then, but after accomplishing much growth! I was so glad for his sake that he become someone that had experienced 'growth'. So many of his own personal friends that I knew he commented on, 'still the same', 'never grew up'...still struggling with the same old addictions, the same old mind set that we had back then.

I always reached out to the quiet ones in school. Trying to get them to talk. If no one else could get them to talk, I remember feeling it was my mission to get them to talk. As I witnessed 20 years pass us by, I saw a man come from the boy I knew. He was talking very openly...He mentioned how there were very few people back then he would open up to, and I did remember that...but he was different now. He was talking and trying to get 'me' to talk this time...I was more reluctant to respond! Why, I don't really know... perhaps I thought it was because I should have become someone I didn't become.

I was nominated and in the running for 'most likely to succeed'. I remember being in the running for this title and I wanted it so much. I didn't win in the end...and I was thinking now...did I own up to the expectations of my clas...had I become 'successfull?'

I guess if you consider I hadn't jumped into a moving train, or off my balcony or ramed my car into a telephone pole, that I was successfull, because I survived life's dissappointments.

I am tired of surviving...my whole life has been that of survival...why can't I just be, and not survive it...why can't I just have it?

I remembered him cheating on my paper in English, but I didn't remember him getting honors in Geometry because I wasn't in his class. I remembered him getting high in the morning, but I never saw him struggling every morning with his friend [whom I knew] from his sczhophrenia every weekend. There is so much we think we know, and so much that goes unseen.

I know that of me. My fellow classmates have no idea what struggles I had when I was in high school. I had quite challenging moments in my house with my parents, things I dealt with 'after school'. Things that made me grow up before I was expected to.

What I did learn from talking to him and remembering 'me', was that if you 'deal' with those issues, if you go 'through' the issues, they no longer become issues.

His issues and mine, although painful, have been dealt with. Both of us are stronger for having dealt with the issues and gone through the trauma....but we went 'through' it after we last saw each other.

So was I so different to him from the inside?? I don't really know. I know from the outside, he told me 'time had been good to me'. I looked the same since I left school. But as I told my girlfriend...yeah, but he didn't see me through those 20 years...we dyed my hair, black, platinum, blonde highlights, short, super short and now it is no longer dyed and all natural long brown hair....just like I left school. I told her, if I go to my reunion they'll think I kept this hair style for the last 20 years, not knowing all the transformations it went through...

After I made that statement to her it occurred to me...maybe that is what God is telling me. I have made so many transformations on the inside, though on the surface, I am still the same old ME. I was kind and loving and giving back then, and I am still that today... If you read my 9th grade book, it would read: "To a really sweet and super pretty and smart girl, let's just say you have a lot going for you! Stay the way you are!" I read over that book, and for the most part they all said the same thing, I was smart, I had a great smile, I was fun, I was loveable....I am loveable???? If people were telling me that since the 9th grade, and they are still saying that...why can't I believe it??? I should believe it by now don't you think? I have alot going for me....I did then and I do now! I do now!

I'm glad most people from my past remember my smile and my heart as they all say...those have not changed...perhaps, my smile is just brighter and my heart is just bigger than it use to be knowing what I know now!

I am thankful God gave me a trip down my life road...and the most memorable moment, was my DeJaVu I had with my BFF today. So I guess God is telling me something...I came from somewhere and I am going somewhere...and ALL of it I am suppose to do...I know it because I had a DEJAVU!

Past or Present...it's all a gift to me! Thank You God!

I had a discussion about my previous post with my BFF, someone whom I believe is extremely knowledgeable in theology and who has a logical way of explaining the pope's comment. In fear of not paraphrasing his point correctly, and since he explained it so simply, I am posting his explanation below!

BFF:
It’s really pretty simple and easily explained. The pope said Catholicism is the one true CHURCH (man-made). This is because it is the only organization (man-made) that can trace itself back to the apostles, therefore, the catholics argue they have the truth in their man-made organization because the apostles developed it from first-hand experience with Jesus.

Other religions are based on these same ideas but the man-made traditions that have been handed down through the generations of Catholicism DID come from the apostles. No one can argue that and that’s what the pope said. Unfortunately people hear what they want and often easily substitute “religion” for “church”. He DID NOT say Catholicism is the one true religion.

Put your mind at ease, your pope is not wrong, misguided or controversial. He’s only doing his job, which is representing his religion and church, promoting their doctrine 100% correctly. John Paul II did this too only everyone only paid attention to his reaching out to other religions so they considered him more temperate, but he wasn’t. He said the same things.

DeJaVu:
Bravo BFF! Thank you once again!
Church and Religion are NOT the same. The Church is the organizational structure with rules and regulations, put in place to help carry out the 'belief' or Religion. It is also important to note, that over time, the Church has restructured and reorganized its rules and regulations, but the core 'belief' remains the same.

It just gets very confusing when the the rules and regulations 'seem to' contradict the core belief. Maybe the rules and regulations of the Church should go through some 'housecleaning', so that the core belief is 'crystal' clear and honored.

There is no ONE true Religion. Go with the one that is closest to your heart.

I know God won't ask me what Religion I am when I get to Heaven, He'll ask me, "How did I love my neighbor". I will be ready to answer him..."I loved my neighbor as Jesus would".

I was sitting at a Stephen Ministry group meeting today. We were discussing issues with our care receivers to help us help each other give better care to those in need. Every situation is different and requires a unique group of caring people to provide this ministry.

I have only been in this ministry since January training, and since last month on an actual ‘care giving’ assignment. I listened as everyone discussed their care receivers and the difficulties they were experiencing ministering to them.

After our discussion, someone needed some ‘Catholic Church’ ministering of her own. Apparently, our Pope, the head of the Catholic Church stated that the Catholic Church was the only ‘true’ church, and she was in complete distraught about it! Franklly, so was I after I heard the statement.

Now my heart really wanted to believe this was not true. As a Stephen Minister and as ME, I strongly believe that there is not one true Religion or church. We all serve a common purpose and that is ‘serving GOD’. [period] Stephen Ministry is non-denominational, however, the division of the ministry I serve is from a Catholic Church.

I was sitting amongst a very diverse group of woman. I was the youngest, from 37 all the way up to 77, maybe older. All of us from various families and heritages and of Catholic upbringing. Some not born into the Religion like myself, but actually ‘choosing’ it as their faith. One of the women was a Protestant when the churches came together and she had to teach the Holy Spirit to a group of Catholics who were never close to that part of the trinity. Regardless of how we got there, we were ALL in agreement that this statement made by our Pope must have been some mistake, and if it wasn’t, it truly weighed on our consciousness and forced us to have some doubt in our leader. As Catholics, you are raised never to doubt the Pope, but as I so humbly experienced, regardless of your upbringing, this statement was WRONG, even if it came from the POPE, and there we were, struggling with defying a Pope! [something Catholics just aren’t brainwashed to do!!! But we did anyway!!!]

The excuses were flying….maybe it was a misprint, maybe the news had another agenda, it was clear, that we were praying it was a mistake. One of the eldest woman in the group actually stated that it broke her heart, because her adult children were teetering on their faith, and going back to church and where to go and so forth, but remarks like our Pope had made were steering them in any direction other than Catholicism….and who could blame them???

Certainly not me!!! My response in the discussion was that fact. I understand the Popes motives for trying to get other more conservative groups back to the church, but as a result, he is steering more and more Christians away from it.

I said, “I have never done so much defending of my religion as I have had to do since this Pope entered office!”

One of my fellow members and leader said to me, “Is that such a bad thing?” Then I pondered….is that the point of all this. To get us Catholics to really think why are we Catholic and defend our beliefs? Be able to defend the church?

She is right, that is not such a bad thing. When 9-11 hit, the one thing I noticed was that the whole country was PRAYING together!! Moments of silence everywhere….no one was asking for “In God we trust” to be taken off of anything…we just prayed…

So, even though I am disappointed at my current leader, perhaps his motives are somewhat different than the surface. Perhaps his goal in his heart is something beyond my knowledge and comprehension and if so, that’s ok. But he hasn’t actually called me personally to explain anything to me, and I don’t think it’s on his agenda this week!

Let me do MY part. I want to do MY part….Love your neighbor as yourself….(it was actually the readings for the Sunday mass all over the universe for Catholics yesterday) The good Samaritan and loving your neighbor….and like Jesus spoke of the Good Samaritan who in those days was considered from a Pagan like background…the Samaritan took the stranger and cared for him. He was the Stephen Minister to the robber.

I don’t care what ‘title’ you give your religion is, all I know is that I live by Jesus’ law, to Love Your Neighbor…I love my Protestant neighbor, I love my Jehovah neighbor, I love my Buddhist neighbor, I love my Muslim neighbor, I love my next door neighbor, and in a way, I love my ex-husband….in a way!

That’s all we need to do to get to the kingdom of God! I won’t argue about ONE true anything….only ONE TRUE GOD, whatever ‘title’ you give HIM, He’s still GOD! [however God translates]

As Jesus taught us, and eventually suffered for….the teaching of Loving Your Neighbor!! I think I am going to start a church called, “Loving my neighborcism”

With the knowledge I am given today, I unfortunately cannot support my Pope [lightening will probably strike me dead soon, but at least you will know the truth!] I support my GOD and I serve my GOD and today, I will remain Catholic. Being Catholic gives me the beautiful mass, the extraordinary Holy Communion of Jesus Body and Blood and the ultimate challenge, to ‘love my neighbor’…

That I will continue to do!