I’m trying to grow up
But still I want to be held

I want to support myself
But still I want your support

I need nothing
But still I need everything

I’m afraid in the stillness
Stuck in the stillness
Bound by stillness

“Be still and know who I am”

Like a child, I’m having trouble

Sitting still!

So many people have passed away and gone home to God in the last 2 weeks. Some I knew personally, some I just new 'of', however they touched my life simply watching the love others had for them.

Why have I suddenly become obessed with people mourning the loss of their best friend, their dads, their trusted side kicks? Ed McMahon, Billy Mays, Michael J, Farrah... For some reason, I am drawn to their 'best friends' and how they are coping the loss.

I do hope and pray it is not a 'preperation' in any way.

God bless those who mourn.

Billy Mays III, sent out a 'tweet' ( I do feel funny saying that) 'Those who are dead are not dead, they are just living in my head'.

I go back to my very first experience of death, when my 12 year old cousin died, then my grandfather, 6 days later...

Both lived in my head as I talked to them constantly...

It does help!

God Bless those who mourn. Mourning the loss of someone who is dead or alive... mourning a loss sucks as they still live on in 'our heads'!

God Bless the reality of the living!!

I am kicking and screaming right now...and everyone just walks by me like they don't care.. like they think its best for me not to pay any attention to my outrageous behavior and eventually I'll stop.

Perhaps they are right. Right now I can't even think rationally. Sound like an oxymoron to me, 'thinking' and 'rational'. Who am I trying to kid.

I don't know what it is, all I want is attention. I want it so bad I am thinking like a child... what can I do?

Doesn't anyone notice me over here?

I want love and love and love and love. I want you to tell me you love me, want me, need me, miss me... me me me me me

Yes, that's what I can't get over today... it is about me. I don't about anything but how I'm feeling right now and trying to stop feeling that way.. I can't.. I want to but it is consuming me
!!!

HELP!!! SOMEONE PLEAE HELP GET ME OUT HERE~

Recently I was contacted on facebook by a group from my old elementary school. I went to catholic school and our classes were very small. Same 60 kids for 8 years. Most of them I haven’t seen since we left 8th grade graduation.

It has been quite an experience jumping from age 39 and going back to age 13.

Or is the experience more like, age 13 to 39?

When I’m talking to them or reading something they’ve posted, it feels exactly like we have made some quantum leap from the past to the future in split second.

Like we can pick up where we left off, but we left off in 1983 and now it’s 2009. 26 years forward!

The facebook pages are filled with class pictures from 1983. I look at those pictures and can put myself exactly back in that space in time. Then I see their pictures of their grown-up lives, with husbands, houses and families, and beliefs and values we didn’t even learn of yet. A unique language has been developed that we all have learned like LOL and OMG. But it was like going fast forward not fast backward.

It’s different than a high school reunion, because these kids I knew since they were 5 years old, until we were 13. We skipped the ages where you get real boyfriends, and learn how to drive, and get first jobs, drink for the first time and get in ‘real’ trouble and where grades really matter. I mean let’s face it, how much trouble can you get into before your 13? Sneak in a movie that’s rate PG-13?

I’ve read that in Heaven there isn’t any time. It is complete timelessness. So when our loved ones die, they don't miss the time between their death and ours. It's like a split second to them. A concept I have been trying to get a deeper understanding of.

This is a perfect example of what timelessness must be like, as I place my thoughts and feelings inside that elementary picture, then focus on my current life’s pictures.

For me it’s not a sense of time flying by when I look at these pics, I feel the same, but know so much more. It’s like a standstill of time.

Anyways, that’s my shot at trying to describe an indescribable feeling.

My daughter just turned 13 last week.

There are no coincidences in life, just God-Incidences!

I did an experiment last night with my new theory. The theory that peace is within, and that we can change everything about our life in a holy instant, the minute we change our mind about it.

The world tells us that we have to have something to do on new years. It tells us that on new years eve, you have to surround yourself with people or at least one person to kiss when the clock strikes midnight! Apparently, everyone will turn into a pumpkin that very instant if you aren't watching the ball drop or kissing someone.

Well, I wasnt' buying it.

My kids are older and had babysitting jobs and were hanging out with their friends. My girlfriends had husbands and children to attend to and my boyfriend had his kids, my brother was with his girlfriend so I decided to test my theory and have a date with God.

I surely wasn't alone.

I changed my mind about the worlds view on that night and made my own view. I won't turn into a pumkin at midnight if there is no one there to kiss me. If I fall asleep before 12:00 and wake up after, I won't find myself in another dimension, it will still be 2009 whether I wait up for it or not.

and so it was...

I had peace in my heart. I had love in my heart for all those I couldn't be with and for those who I was with...ME!

Happy New Year!

My advice for you this year:

Don't make promises to yourself that you can't keep, you'll only get upset with you. Make reasonable demands on you, accomplish them, and you'll be eternally happy with you.

Don't live in this world, live in God's world, your inner sanctuary where all just 'is'; and all is happy just 'being'.

Lastly, live in this second of your life. This moment. Don't let yesterday get you down, it's gone and you don't remember it correctly anyways.

Don't let the future worry you, it isn't real.

Live in this second of your life, noticing all that is happening in it. Even if this moment stinks, know and trust that everything must end, just like a storm -- so wait it out.



Oh and by the way.. this is the year I turn 40!!! Wahoo!!! Yeah me! 40 40 40 40 40 Lordy Lordy I'm turning 40... Now that's a DeJaVu!

PS: I'm not eating pork today either!!! Hope I live to tell about it!